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CHIK-FIL-A ASIAN EXPANSION NOT GOING WELL
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BANGKOK – With many of its employees and customers either dead or hospitalized, Chik-fil-A shut the doors this morning to its last remaining restaurant in Thailand, the latest fast food casualty of the Bird Flu epidemic.
“In retrospect, aggressively expanding into Asia wasn’t a very good idea,” CEO Truett Cathy admitted during a conference call with Wall Street analys
ts. “It’s tough to grow a restaurant chain with one fatal disease after another sweeping the region.”
“We only survived the SARS epidemic by offering pureed chicken shakes that customers could drink without removing their surgical masks,” Cathy recalled, describing the troubles Chik-fil-A has faced in Asia.
“Then, once Bird Flu hit, we tried to spice up sales by bringing in a few of our ‘Eat Mor Chikin’ mascot cows, but, before they died, the cows said even they couldn’t help sell chicken in good faith anymore. We even tried bribing the World Health Organization, but no one would listen to our claim that Bird Flu comes from eating ostrich, not chicken.”
“Some of our larger shareholders said they still wanted us to keep trying, but I knew it was time to quit when we couldn’t hire anyone, much less get any customers. I mean, millions of Asian people work sixteen-hour days in sweatshops and I couldn’t find even one fry cook for the lunch shift.”
“Good riddance to diseased American chickens,” yelled local business owner Chi Fe Dong while passing out flyers enticing passersby to check out his club’s array of crack smoking, under fourteen, all-nude dancers. “But before you go, come visit my club. No worry, you no catch any disease here.”
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