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FILM CRITICS PAN NASA ‘MARS 3-D’ FEATURE RELEASE
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PASADENA, CA – Despite the advance Oscar buzz surrounding NASA’s latest production, critics have almost universally panned the space agency’s recent “Mars 3-D” feature release, saying “Capricorn One” with O.J. Simpson seems like a great space movie in comparison.
NASA admitted that, while it was disappointed with the critical response at the Mars 3-D premier, the agency understood it could be difficult for people to tell whether they were watching a movie or a still life painting. “Just be glad we didn’t release the extended Director’s Cut,” quipped one NASA staffer.
“Is there any action? Damn, is anything even moving at all?” bemoaned noted film critic Roger Ebert after staring at the almost unchanging 3-D landscape for over two hours
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Audience members lapse into a coma while viewing the unmoving red landscape in 3-D
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while praying for an asteroid to strike the Earth and relieve his suffering. “Usually you can at least count on NASA to blow something up. But I shudder to think of (NASA Administrator) Stan O’Keefe’s home life if this is what he considers exciting.”
“Where are the freaking aliens?” asked fellow critic Richard Roeper, furiously rubbing his eyes in a futile attempt to remove the reddish tint. “Isn’t there anything on Mars that could build a spaceship, fly to Earth and savagely attack Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez? And preferably before ‘Jersey Girl’ comes out.”
“I’d pay to see that in 3-D,” Ebert agreed.
NASA spent over $400 million dollars on the Mars Spirit rover program and the Mars 3-D feature release hoping to recapture the public’s imagination and confidence in the wake of the Columbia tragedy and several Mars mission failures. Unfortunately, if Ebert and Roeper’s comments are indicative of public opinion, Mars 3-D could be a bigger bust at the box office than “Waterworld” and “The Postman” put together.
“Mars 3-D is just like those movies, except with no chicks, which means it sucks even worse,” Ebert remarked, “I’ll bet Costner directed this too, didn’t he?”
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