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9 OUT OF 10 FINANCIAL ADVISORS RECOMMEND MUTUAL FUNDS THAT CHEAT
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NEW YORK – In the widening mutual fund scandal, conventional wisdom holds that investors should look elsewhere for investment opportunities. But a recent survey of Wall Street financial advisors suggests just the opposite – that people should look for cheating funds to maximize their return.
“I’m bullish on fund managers and traders who cheat like the dickens,” exclaimed Canary Capital partner Jack Snow from a pay phone near his cell. “I mean, late trading, market timing – these are the tools of the new millennium! Investors just need to have enough information to choose wisely among cheating funds.”
Recognizing this need, insiders say Morningstar will soon debut a Top 100 Cheating Funds List, which will provide investors with much-needed data comparing cheating funds with funds that have yet to be caught cheating. Standard & Poor’s is also rumored to be creating a new S&P index of cheating funds so investors can combine the security of an index fund with the growth potential of lawlessness.
“In the past, investing in mutual funds was fraught with risk. Most funds were cheating, but they kept it so quiet,” Wharton Professor Bob Hamilton explained, “even big investors had a hard time learning which funds were the best. God help you if you were advising a high net-worth client and you picked one of the honest funds. But now, thanks to Eliot Spitzer’s desire to hold higher office, everyone knows the best cheating funds.”
“Investors can’t go wrong anymore . . . unless they’re small investors, of course,” Snow’s cellmate and former co-worker warned while practicing his putting stroke for the annual inmate golf tournament. “Many funds offer cheating services only to select clients, but those funds also offer the most exceptional values. They underpay their small investors and pass the savings on to you . . . I mean, if you’re already rich, that is. But, heck, even if you only have a few bucks, open an account anyway – just put it under Dick Cheney’s name. It works every time.”
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