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NASA DENIES RUMORS OF MARS ROVER’S CAPTURE
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PASADENA, CA – Officials at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) this morning again denied persistent rumors that recent communication problems with the Mars “Spirit” Rover were the result of the rover having encountered intelligent life on the red planet.
Communications with the Spirit rover have been intermittent at best since last Wednesday, when JPL scientists received a brief video transmission showing what appears to be a primitive fishing net covering the rover.
While acknowledging that a net could hypothetically interfere with rover’s antennae and cause communication problems, NASA Administrator Sean O’Keefe dismissed the net-like image from the video transmission as nothing more than random signal distortion. “Its not like there are teeth marks on the rover or something,” O’Keefe deadpanned
“Uh, actually, there are,” whispered one NASA researcher.
“Shut the hell up, would you?” O’Keefe muttered under his breath, elbowing the researcher hard in the ribs. “Congress didn’t let us spend over $400 million on this rover just to have it captured by some extraterrestrial Captain Freaking Caveman.”
Outside O’Keefe’s hearing range, a number of JPL researchers who asked to remain anonymous suggested that, if the rover has in fact been captured in a fishing net and bitten, it would be “powerful evidence of life on Mars.”
“A fishing net would be a strong indicator that Mars once had rivers and oceans,” the scientists agreed, noting that the presence of liquid water is thought to be a prerequisite for life.
Other more skeptical researchers scoffed at the idea that Martians would capture the rover in a net rather than simply vaporizing it with a super-advanced ray gun like Martians always do in the movies. The researchers also noted that, if there were Martians, their green skin should stick out against the red sand like Kobe Bryant in a Colorado winter resort.
Pro-Martian-life researchers countered, however, that it is very doubtful Martians have green skin, and that, regardless of their skin color, Martians may actually be rather primitive – likely never having advanced beyond the Stone Age – in no small part because there’s nothing on Mars but stones.
Meanwhile, NASA officials announced that Spirit’s companion rover, Opportunity, has landed without incident on the opposite side of Mars. While NASA says it does not expect any trouble, Opportunity has been reprogrammed to look over its shoulder at regular intervals while traveling on the planet’s surface.
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