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SCIENTISTS SAY WHALE EXPLOSION CAUSED BY LOW-FIBER DIET
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TAIPEI – Marine scientists rushed to Taiwan’s capital earlier this week to study the remains of a dead whale that spontaneously exploded while being trucked through the city’s streets en route to a local university. Upon completing their analysis, the scientists pinpointed the whale’s low-fiber diet in life as the most significant cause of the explosion.
“Gasses produced as a natural byproduct of the whale’s decay no doubt contributed to the whale’s explosiveness,” Taiwan University Professor Wen No Dung explained, “but the whale’s low-fiber diet clearly gave the gas build-up a dramatic and dangerous head start.”
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Harbinger of greenhouse warming doom? An exploding whale makes a mess in Taipei
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“That was one seriously bound-up whale,” agreed Yale flatulence researcher Bill Methanowski. “It’s hard to believe, but if that whale had just eaten a few hundred pounds more fiber when he was alive, he could have let a lot of that gas escape, probably killing only a few dozen fish rather than laying waste to a whole city block.”
“Even so, this incident highlights a real danger facing our planet,” Methanowski warned, noting that the lack of fiber in whale diets is a growing problem worldwide according to several government funded research studies.
“Whales with low-fiber diets produce much more methane gas than other whales,” he explained. “The concern, aside from the explosion risk of course, is that increasing whale flatulence could spur a runaway greenhouse warming effect that would doom the Earth, especially when coupled with the human impact of increasing industrialization.”
Working to address this problem of greenhouse gas production by animals with low-fiber diets, climatologists with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have announced plans to implement a pilot program to seed whale mating areas in the world’s oceans with tons of “Total” brand cereal, which as television watchers know, contains more than enough fiber to keep a whale regular.
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