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SUICIDAL WHALE ANGERED BY RESCUE EFFORT
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SAN DIEGO, CA – Disillusioned with ocean life, Dorcus swam to the coast of Oregon where she hoped to die a quiet and peaceful death.
"I didn't think people even lived in Oregon,"
Dorcus groaned in an exclusive interview.
"Just my luck, there was a Sierra Club conference
going on. Next thing I know, fifty people
were poking and pulling on me. You humans
criticize us for having a pea-sized brain, but even
I realize you can't push an 11-ton creature back
into the ocean with
your bare hands. And watch what hole you
pour that water in! I didn't swim ashore
for a beachside
enema."
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| Watch
where you’re
pouring that water! |
In the end, much to her chagrin, rescuers were able
to save Dorcus. For the last two months she's
been recovering at
SeaWorld's AquaMarine Treatment Center, and she's
none too happy about it.
"They claim I'm depressed," Dorcus said,
becoming increasingly animated. "Well
no freaking duh! I tried to kill myself, didn't
I? Whatever you humans pay for medical care,
it's too much."
"Dorcus is a rare case," admitted Dr.
Michelle Brandon, psychological director for the
resort's marine attractions. "She's got
a horrible self image. We've tried to explain that
all whales have blubber, but she's convinced she's
overweight. Somehow she got her fins on a diet book
and now believes her problem stems from retaining
too much water. She's demanded we cut back
on her salt intake. Needless to say, for a
salt water animal, this presents some difficulty."
"I want to get better," Dorcus confided,
at last displaying some sign of hope. "But
I question whether this place has the expertise.
Just the other day they asked if my real
problem was 'a fear of drowning.' If this
keeps up, I'm going to beg Shamu to put me out of
my misery."
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