SALEM, OR – In yet another bizarre tale of the contentious debate between environmentalists and logging companies, Weyerhaeuser Corporation yesterday filed a multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit against a local "tree hugger" who has a long history of chaining himself to trees in the logging company's path.

Weyerhaeuser filed the suit in the names of its workers and on behalf of "several thousand 2x4's formerly known as trees," charging that the "bondage techniques" used by the tree hugger in full view of Weyerhaeuser’s workers and the trees created an uncomfortable, "hostile work environment" in violation of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act.

"This guy has chained himself to different trees for days at a time over the past several years," explained one of Weyerhaeuser’s attorneys.  "He can say it wasn't sexual, but loggers start their workday early, and no one should have to see a guy chained to tree sporting 'morning wood.'"

"The guy must have a serious bondage fetish or something," suggested another Weyerhaeuser lawyer, feigning innocence while trying to distract reporters' attention from the stuffed spotted owl in his office.  "Our loggers were able to unchain the guy from a tree one time, but according to Weyerhaeuser's official incident report, the guy just tied himself right back up with his hands behind his back, gagged himself and threw himself in the river.  Strange."

"I don't know how he survived," the lawyer added.   "What else can Weyerhaeuser do but sue the guy at this point after everything else has failed?"