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WHITE HOUSE RECLASSIFIES PRISONERS AS ‘EMPLOYED’ THEN REPORTS JOB GROWTH
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WASHINGTON – The White House today released revised employment figures showing that the economy created more than two million jobs last month. President Bush said the huge rate of job growth is a clear sign his economic plan is working.
Critics quickly pointed out, however, that the reported increase in jobs reflects nothing more than the Bush Administration’s recent reclassification of the
nation’s prison population from “in prison” to “employed.”
“I promised in my State of the Union speech to ensure that prisoners get jobs once they’re released,” the President explained, addressing critics while pretending to rub his nose with his extended middle finger. “With this latest job growth report, I’m just taking an advance of sorts on that other program, that’s all.”
“I’m using similar logic on some of my new budget calculations, which I’ll release next week,” the President added. “We paid off the national debt by the way.”
The AFL-CIO reacted to the President’s remarks by immediately encouraging all out-of-work union members to commit crimes. Drawing on experience, the Teamsters union announced that it would sponsor “job training” workshops to teach unemployed union members about criminal enterprises and to help them find jobs under the President’s new program.
Breaking ranks with union leaders, Democratic frontrunner John Kerry advised caution, suggesting that out-of-work union members should wait until late November to commit felonies so as to avoid being purged from voter rolls before the election. Kerry acknowledged, however, that there is a good chance union members will purged from the voter rolls in Florida regardless of whether or not they are felons.
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