SAN DIEGO, CA – He made children laugh with his crazy, hamburger-thieving antics, but the madcap insanity that once seemed so harmless and fun seems only sad now that the Hamburgler has been diagnosed with mad cow disease.

Long a symbol of reckless and carefree ground beef consumption, the Hamburgler lived like a rock star, seizing every moment – and every unattended hamburger – as if it might be his last.

But the Hamburgler now spends his days in the McDonaldLand General Hospital, taking his hamburgers intravenously and looking forward to visits from old friends   and former antagonists like Big Mac and Mayor McCheese.

Close friend Ronald McDonald burst into tears and ruined his eye makeup while describing how the Hamburgler, who was not overly literate to begin with, can now only communicate by grinning maniacally and blowing saliva bubbles in loose approximations of hamburger patterns.

Through a company spokesman, the McDonald's Corporation expressed its deepest sympathy for the Hamburgler's condition, but noted that the Hamburgler's ground beef addiction had gotten so bad in recent years that "he was pilfering extra hamburgers from Burger King, which is probably where he got mad cow disease."

"So you see children," the spokesman explained, switching to his child-friendly voice, "the Hamburgler didn't get mad cow disease from McDonald's.  Quite the opposite, he got sick because he didn't show brand loyalty to McDonald's.  Don't let that happen to you."