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AL-QAEDA CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR AIR FORCE LOSS IN NCAA TOURNAMENT
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COLORADO
SPRINGS, CO – Minutes after the final buzzer
in North Carolina's hard-fought NCAA Tournament
victory over Air Force, ESPN officials say a senior
Al-Qaeda leader called the network and claimed responsibility
for defeating the Air Force team.
Homeland
Security Director Tom Ridge commented on this information
for the first time yesterday, issuing a surprising
statement confirming Al-Qaeda's involvement in the
successful plot to defeat Air Force.
Ridge's
statement described how, in one of the most brazen
terrorist attacks ever launched, an Al-Qaeda operative
disguised himself as the Air Force mascot, infiltrated
the Air Force locker room, and doused the team's
supply of jock straps with "some sort of heat-activated,
menthol-like substance."
Taking
immediate action to protect America, Ridge raised
the terrorist threat level to "red" commensurate
with the extreme burning sensation the Air Force
team must have endured. Ridge also announced
a ban all 1980's era college prank movies lest the
terrorists get other ideas for attacking sports
teams at the nation's service academies.
When asked about reports that federal officials are investigating whether links may exist between Al-Qaeda and the University of North Carolina, Chancellor James A. Moeser denied that the University had any connection with Al-Qaeda, but refused to rule out a future collaboration if the terrorist group could guarantee UNC would dominate arch-rival Duke next season.
Meanwhile,
coalition forces in Iraq reported that Air Force's
loss wreaked havoc on Saddam Hussein's self-proclaimed
"Mother of all" NCAA brackets. "Air
Force was my upset special to get to the Elite Eight!"
the former dictator fumed from his detention cell.
"How much more proof does Bush need
that I don't have ties with Al-Qaeda?"
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