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BATHROOM USERS UNITE AGAINST LOW-FLOW TOILET REGULATIONS
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CHICAGO, IL – With Dave Barry leading the public outcry against regulations requiring low-flow toilets in homes, several national groups representing regular bathroom users decided after a recent home utilities conference to form a coalition seeking the repeal of such regulations.
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“We’ve got to have
more power” say regular toilet users
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Cities began passing these regulations several years ago after an intense lobbying campaign by an unholy alliance of environmentalists and plunger manufacturers. Municipal leaders and environmentalists say the regulations have worked as intended, dramatically cutting water use across the nation.
Plunger manufacturers are similarly pleased. “The required low-flow toilets have so little power,” an industry spokesman explained, “that we sold more plungers last year than we have in any year since the fall of the Roman Empire.”
“It’s the reduced suction that causes all the problems and embarrassment,” remarked Robert LaFleur, a former wrestler and Chairman of the new coalition, “its just not enough to do the job without a plunger, even for small people really, but definitely for wrestlers.”
“I save up for when I’m at work,” explained another coalition leader. “The regulations don’t apply to businesses or public facilities,” the Australian native and avowed plunger opponent continued, “and those commercial toilets can take down a koala.”
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Koalas were not used in actual tests
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For certain, one thing that stands out among members of this new coalition is their determination to achieve their goal, no matter the physical or emotional strain. It is a determination born of personal experience. Many members described physical suffering, telling of plunger impalements and plunger-induced cases of something akin to carpal-tunnel syndrome, while others spoke more of the mental anguish caused by low-flow toilets.
“I almost lost my marriage last year after the plunger broke on me during one of my wife’s bridge nights,” one man said when asked why he joined the coalition. “One of her friends almost asphyxiated.”
“If I hadn’t gotten one of those high-powered old thrones on the black market in time for her Mary Kay party the next weekend, I know she would have left me,” he croaked, struggling to fight back tears. “The pain is just so fresh. I don’t know if I could have gone on without her.”
“If you think things are tough on you married men, just think what its like for us single women,” one of the group’s surprising contingent of female members exclaimed, she a former WNBA player who stressed to the men in attendance that she is straight. “I mean, a man isn’t afraid to come over to a woman’s house and leave the place unfit for human habitation, but if a woman goes to a man’s house and just so much as asks for plunger, its like she can forget about a second date.”
“At least now, through this coalition, I’m meeting a bunch of guys who understand me,” she added, throwing an alluring glance in LaFleur’s direction.
“Yikes,” LaFleur murmured, carefully avoiding eye contact with the woman before resuming his discussion with reporters.
“The environmentalists may have their heart in the right place,” LaFleur admitted in response to reporters’ questions. “We can compromise with them. But the plunger lobbyists have to be stopped before they hatch another evil plan to increase sales. I actually can’t imagine what that could be, but why take the chance?”
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