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BLACK ENTERTAINMENT TV TO CREATE REALISTIC WHITE DOLLS
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NEW YORK – In response to Mattel’s “Flavas” line of dolls designed to appeal to today’s hip-hop generation, Black Entertainment Television (BET) today announced it would create a line of authentic-looking white action figures.
“We feel it’s important for today’s black youth to gain experience with realistic figures,” a male BET marketing representative explained.
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Unlike BET’s white action figures, Mattel’s new figures have ‘flava’
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“Barbie’s great, but let’s be honest,” he sighed, “unless you’re a real baller, you aren’t going to be lucky enough to get down with a ho like that.”
Six figures are planned in time for Kwanza. There’s “Katelyn,” an attractive mid-western teen whose clothes are attached by a single snap; “John” a middle-aged basketball point guard, complete with knee brace and embarrassingly short pants; “Sgt. Gates,” a scowling highway patrolman equipped with an “action trigger” that, when pressed, delivers a punishing blow from his billy-club; “Rushmore,” an obese figurine whose left leg is longer than the other, causing him to always lean to the right; “Ms. Everyone” a middle-aged, suburban housewife who requires two AAA batteries to activate her “nervous shaking” feature which can be turned on when introducing her to dolls of other races; and “Mr. Mann,” a graying white man in his early 50’s wearing business attire and coming with a whites-only country club membership certificate.
BET’s announcement was met with excitement from many celebrities. “White action figures, finally! Now there’s no more need for busing,” conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh crowed on his daily radio show. “My personal favorite is that sharp-dressed ‘Rushmore,’ although I wish he looked a little thinner and didn’t have that ‘do not leave alone with other dolls’ label”
A number of classic, white hairstyles will be sold separately for each figure, including the mullet, the comb-over, and the “Shatner Carpet,” and all figures will be similarly sized to fit a number of clothing accessories such as the KKK “Grand Dragon” sheet and hood pack.
None of the planned white action figures will have any rhythm.
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