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BUSH DENOUNCES GAY MARRIAGE; STEPHANOPOLUS REDECORATES HOME
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WASHINGTON – Again using the bully pulpit to warn Americans against sinful behavior such as thinking for themselves and using proper pronunciation, President Bush recently denounced gay marriage.
“There’s just no place for homosexuals in the sanctity of marital union,” Bush explained from his Rose Garden podium. “Marriage should be a joyless, sexless covenant between a man and a woman, with a few other willing partners thrown in from time to time to make things bearable.”
“Now make no mistake,” the President continued while wagging his finger at the media, “I’ve got nothing against guys as queer as a three-dollar bill. In fact, when I was president of my fraternity, I used to encourage those little pansies to pledge. Trust me, the joy of winning the Presidency has nothing on being one of the few straight guys in a house full of drunk, horny, sorority women.”
When asked whether his comments on gay marriage also applied to lesbians, Bush elbowed White House press secretary Scott McClellan and appeared to whisper under his breath, “Huh-huh. He said ‘lesbians.’ Huh-huh.”
Many members of the former Clinton administration disagreed with the President’s position. George Stephanopolus spoke with reporters from his spacious Georgetown townhouse, hurrying past a group of decorators working on his display of Rock Hudson movie posters.
“This shows how out of touch Bush is,” Stephanopolus argued while frantically draping a blanket over a set of original Mapplethorpe photographs. “Americans support the right to choose their own spouse, whether it be the girl next door, the guy you work with, or a Cambodian mail-order bride. Just because I wanted a loving, beautiful wife doesn’t mean that works for everyone.”
“Ultimately, however,” Stephanopolus finished while pausing in front of a number of obelisk-shaped sculptures which had been hurriedly laid on their sides, “it’s for the public to decide. It’s not like this issue is of any particular interest to me.”
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