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BUSH OFFERS FIRST AID KITS TO 43 MILLION UNINSURED AMERICANS
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WASHINGTON – Responding to criticism that he has done little to help the more than 43 million Americans without health insurance, President Bush today announced that the government will offer every uninsured American a free first aid kit “so those people can take care of their own medical needs.”
White House press secretary Scott McClellan boasted that the kits, which are being produced by a Halliburton subsidiary, “will be top of the line, packed full of band aids, gauze pads, iodine and Neosporin, with each kit containing a needle, thread and a Swiss army knife in case surgery should become necessary.”
McClellan also revealed that the White House has reached a $1.4 billion agreement with WebMD to maintain a web site through which uninsured people can diagnose their own illnesses and injuries before using the first aid kits to self-administer appropriate treatment.
Upon being told WebMD already maintained a comprehensive free web site on medical issues, McClellan responded that he was “thrilled WebMD finished ahead of schedule” and that WebMD might be entitled to a $300 million “performance bonus” which would be paid for through the magic of supply-side economics with a new tax cut. WebMD stock soared on the news.
Meanwhile, despite reports that Halliburton overcharged the government by more than 500 percent for the first aid kits, Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) “investigators” have cleared Halliburton of any wrongdoing. “Our priority is to keep administrative costs as low as possible,” a spokesman explained, “unlike previous Democratic administrations that wasted tons of money jacking around looking for low bids on everything.”
Following the White House’s announcement, dozens of uninsured Americans gathered on the Washington Mall, often raising their only good arm to cheer the Administration’s kindness in providing the free first aid kits. Several unemployed Americans also joined the rally, cheering the President’s plan to offer each of them a free foot-long Subway sandwich to curb their hunger.
Because the first aid kits contain needles and a Swiss army knife, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge cautioned that the kits should not be packed with carry-on luggage on domestic flights. As Ridge reminded Americans: “The safest place to injure yourself or fall ill is in your own home, near your first aid kit and your personal supply of anti-terror duct tape.”
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