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BUSH
VOWS TO PUT THE 'FUN' BACK IN FUNDAMENTALIST REPUBLICANS
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CRAWFORD,
TX – In the midst of yet another vacation on
his Texas ranch, President Bush introduced what
many expect will become a major theme of his re-election
effort when he
vowed to "put the 'fun' back in fundamentalist
Republicans."
Like his "compassionate conservative"
mantra during the 2000 election, the President's
new slogan represents an effort to convince average
Americans that fundamentalist Republicans are not
quite as scary as they often seem on television.
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Bush
says he'll put the "fun" back
in fundamentalist Republicans "or else"
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While many at least superficially fundamentalist
Republicans have shown they can have a good time,
especially if hookers are involved, recent polls
show that most Americans do not associate fundamentalism
with having a great deal of fun.
"I'm thinking of Ken Starr in particular right
now," remarked liberal commentator James Carville,
"but I think its fair to say that most fundamentalist
Republicans are a little too uptight to be much
fun, especially if their only sexual outlet is abusing
the Independent Counsel's office."
Outlining his campaign effort to put the fun back
in fundamentalist Republicans, President Bush said
he would push Congress to pass the Omnibus Picnic
and Ice Cream Social Act (OPICSA) which will give
federal funding
to faith-based organizations that have picnics and
ice cream socials. President
Bush said the law will also encourage logging companies
and mining interests to clear more
land in National Parks so Americans can have more
wholesome fun hiking in the
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Not
much fun, Starr testifies shortly after
abusing
the Independent Counsel's office
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wilderness
without all those big trees getting in the way.
Former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay said he understood
the President's message loud and clear, adding that
he planned to start a new company and take it public
right away. "Usually, when fundamentalist
Republicans start talking about having fun,"
Lay explained, "it means the SEC and the EPA
are cutting their investigative staffs. What
could be more fun than that?"
Editor's Note: "Abusing the Independent Counsel's
office" is Washington slang for "flogging
the dolphin" while reading about former President
Clinton's sexual dalliances.
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