   |
      |
|
|
|
CDC RESEARCHERS REPORT ‘JUNGLE FEVER’ EPIDEMIC
|
|
|
|
ATLANTA,
GA – The Centers for Disease Control (CDC)
revealed today that, since Janet Jackson flashed
her now-famous breast during the Super Bowl halftime
show, record levels of "Jungle
Fever" have been reported across the nation.
"This
disease isn't limited to NBA cities or Strom Thurmond's
hometown anymore," explained Dr. Twon Won,
director of the CDC research team. "It's
gone mainstream."
Despite pressure from several right-wing groups
including the Bob Jones University "science"
department, the CDC announced that it would take
no action to halt the Jungle Fever epidemic.
White male CDC scientists will instead merely monitor
the epidemic's progress while traveling to every
show on Beyonce's latest tour.
The CDC said no action is necessary because, while
Jungle Fever often develops into a chronic condition
– the CDC says most people "never go back"
– it is rarely life threatening in modern times
save for in a few unenlightened rural areas.
The CDC also explained that no harm should come from the epidemic because most overweight, balding white male accountants will never get the chance to realize their Jungle Fever dreams.
"Let's be honest," said "Jungle Fever"
filmmaker Spike Lee. "Crackers simply
have no shot at scoring with Nubian goddesses like
Beyonce and Halle Berry. RuPaul might be their
best chance. Damn, I never realized 'til just
then
 |
how bad white
guys have it. If I were white, I'd shoot myself."
"It's down right insulting, the wankstas who've
been tryin to step to me," said Lil' Kim, agreeing
that most white men have no shot. "Don't
think just because I'm in an Old Navy ad that I
want your Old Navy ass."
"The President is apprised of the situation
and is personally involved in seeking a solution,"
Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge assured still-nervous
conservatives. "Right now, the President
is trying to learn everything he can about this
epidemic, which is why Condoleezza Rice just went
into the Oval Office wearing only a thong.
That should help."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
