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DEAN SHOWS SIGNS OF CRACKING, CALLS HIMSELF ‘THE GREAT CORNHOLIO’
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IOWA CITY, IA – Some say democratic frontrunner Howard Dean must have cracked under the imm
ense pressure of running a presidential campaign, while others say Dean was nothing short of brilliant in displaying his passionate support for Iowa’s corn farmers. Either way, historians say Dean is the first presidential candidate ever to call himself as the “The Great Cornholio” at a campaign event.
Less than two weeks before the Iowa caucuses, the bizarre incident occurred at a Future Farmers of America (FFA) “Rally for Corn” on a farm outside Iowa City. Having reportedly slammed a bag of Oreos and a six-pack of Cokes on his way to the event, Dean appeared impatient from the beginning as a local FFA youth leader took the podium and sounded off a list of important corn-related products, including “creamed corn, corn on the cob, ethanol, corn chowder, cornbread, corn oil, oleo, corn muffins . . . .”
“Oleo . . . Oleeoooo . . . Oleeeeooooo,” Dean interrupted before the young man could finish. “I am the Great Cornholio!”
“Uh, sir,” the young man tried to continue.
“Are you threatening me?” Dean asked, loosening his tie and pulling his dress shirt over his head. “I am Cornholio,” Dean persisted, furiously shaking his arms as he began to walk toward a nearby cornfield. “You cannot get polio from oleo, I must have another Oreo.”
“Not a good idea,” cautioned campaign manager Joe Trippi, suggesting instead that Dean snap out of it and explain how his agricultural policies differed from those of President Bush.
“Nyaaaaaggghhh . . . . Bunghole,” Dean replied, flashing his trademark maniacal grin as he headed off into the cornfield. “Bush is a bunghole . . . I am Cornholio!”
“I must find T.P. to defeat the bunghole Bush . . . Tepee . . . Apache . . . Winnebego . . . BUNGHOLEEEOOOO!” Dean shouted before vanishing deep
in the cornfield.
Since the incident, Trippi has worked to put a favorable spin on Dean’s actions, arguing that Dean was simply overwhelmed by his passion for the plight of corn farmers. “I’m sure Governor Dean did not intend to prophesize a plague upon the land,” Trippi explained, trying to assuage a number of farmers’ concerns. Many farmers agreed. “I’ve never seen a man connect with corn like that,” said one farmer who witnessed the incident. “If Dean ever comes back out of that cornfield, he’s got my vote, that’s for sure!”
A search party reported that Dean was last seen speaking to a large stalk of corn near the middle of the field. “Are you threatening me?” Dean asked over and over, growing angrier by the minute at the corn’s persistent silence.
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