   |
      |
|
|
|
DEAN TRIES RANTING AGAIN, THINKS VOTERS NOW LOVE HIS ‘DEANMENTIA’
|
|
|
|
MANCHESTER, NH – “’Joementum’ my ass, Lieberman’s done! But I’m not,” Howard Dean yelled to the crowd, giving up on his recent efforts to impress voters by acting more normal. “I just finished second in New Hampshire! My poll numbers across the nation have stabilized – even if I haven’t. So I guess you could say I’ve got ‘Deanmentia’ on my side now!”
“Once I’ve gone to South Carolina, California, Missouri, Michigan and all the other states (except Iowa), I’m going to put my ‘Deanmentia’ to work for you in Washington,” Dean ranted to wild applause, seeming unaware that most of the audience was too terrified to do anything but
 |
|
A Display of "Deanmentia" in Iowa
|
applaud. “I’m going to kick John Kerry’s ass and George Bush’s ass from sea to shinning sea. Heeyahhhhhh!!”
Observers say they were shocked at Dean’s choice of words. “Here’s a guy who can’t keep his foot out of his mouth,” pundit James Carville opined. “First, he’s rattling off States like a Quiz Bowl geek on speed. Then he turns around and thinks voters would actually love to have his ‘Deanmentia’ in Washington – near the nuclear button no less. This is proof positive he has a mental condition, maybe even real dementia, in fact.”
“Heeeeyaaaggghhhhh!” Dean added.
“I knew I should have increased the dosage on his Valium prescription,” Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean sighed, working to appear easy going and non-threatening as she reached out to feed several stray kittens while cameras flashed. “It doesn’t matter how homely and timid I make myself look if he keeps scaring the hell out of people. I hope the Board will still let him practice medicine after all this is over.”
Psychologists say it’s too early to tell whether Dean is clinically insane. “Short men often appear angry or unstable when in fact they’re just crying out for attention,” Jane Krasner of the Napoleanic Institute for Behavioral Sciences explained. “Throughout history, undersized men, or as we call them ‘shrimps,’ have tried countless ways of compensating for their lack of physical stature. Some small men buy SUV’s or sportscars, others become dictators. You really just can’t tell what they’re going to do.”
Reached after the speech, Joe Trippi, ever vigilant as Dean’s campaign manager, tried to place a positive spin on his candidate’s message. “Comparing himself to a mental illness is just Howard’s way of ‘loosening’ up. After his appearance in Iowa, everyone knows he’s quite the unintentional comedian. Heck, on the Late Show, Letterman said he’d never had a funnier politician – well, except Dan Quayle that is.”
Boosting Trippi’s spirits, older people appeared to react favorably to Dean’s claim. “Once he admitted he had ‘Deanmentia’, I felt like I could really relate to him,” ninety year-old Ethel Simone told reporters while clutching the aluminum foil helmet she wore to protect her brain from microwaves. “I haven’t felt this kind of connection with a candidate since Admiral Stockdale.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
