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FAKE ARTICLE LEADS TO REAL RESEARCH GRANTS FOR FELLATIO STUDY
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HENDERSON, NV – It appears some good may come from last week’s report that CNN has taken legal action against the N.C. State University student who crafted a widely-distributed satirical article describing a “study” which revealed that “women who perform the act fellatio on a regular basis may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent.”
With news reports drawing his attention to the fake article, N.C. State Biology Professor Dr. Richard Blomemor realized the student might have struck on something
with real scientific merit. “I submitted several emergency grant proposals the next day,” a visibly excited Dr. Blomemor told reporters.
“In scientific terms, this revelation could be bigger than anything Einstein or Newton ever did,” Dr. Blomemor continued. “I mean, so Newton saw an apple fall from a tree and deduced the existence of gravity. Big whoop! In terms of impact on daily life, I don’t think that compares to figuring out that women can be talked into giving innumerable hummers just by telling them it will reduce their breast cancer risk.”
“It’s genius!” he exclaimed. “Pure genius!”
Not everyone shares Dr. Blomemor’s enthusiasm, however, as conservative officials at N.C. State have refused to sanction Dr. Blomemor’s proposal to conduct clinical trials on the University’s campus.
“I’m very disappointed N.C. State doesn’t seem to care about the long-term health of its hot young co-eds,” Dr. Blomemor admitted. “But all is not lost. I have accepted a visiting professorship here at the newly-chartered University of Nevada – Chicken Ranch, which is where I’m now conducting the study.”
“And thanks to the efforts of former President Clinton,” he continued, “I am pleased to report that the National Science Foundation, the Clinton Presidential Library and the Lewinsky Center for Latin-Named Acts have all expedited their approval of our research grant proposals.”
Legal concerns were also eased yesterday when the Food and Drug Administration ruled that the fellatio study did not fall within that agency’s regulatory authority, although several FDA officials did say they planned to visit the University of Nevada – Chicken Ranch in any event to observe the clinical trials.
“I am completely confident in the safety of this study,” Dr. Blomemor remarked in response to questions about the wisdom of proceeding immediately with human trials without first conducting animal research. “After all, I’m not just the leader of this study effort. I’m a study participant.”
“Besides,” he digressed. “Animal research would be just damn disgusting.”
“I just want these nice hookers, I mean ‘female study participants,’ to stay healthy,” he explained, waving toward the group of young women gathered in front of the new “Science Building” at the University of Nevada – Chicken Ranch. “It’s going to be many, many, many years before we have enough data to complete this study. I mean, God willing, this research could take the rest of my life, but I still want to help as many women as I can right now.”
“Science is such feel-good profession,” Dr. Blomemor concluded, breaking into a broad grin before leaving to participate in a related group study program.
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