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HINDU EVANGELISTS WORK TO CONVERT AMERICAN COWS
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KANSAS CITY, MO – Taking advantage of heightened anxiety levels after the most recent mad cow disease scare, scores of Hindu evangelists have descended on American cattle farms, hoping to persuade millions of American cows to convert to Hinduism.
Farmers
from several states have contacted the U.S. Department
of Agriculture, complaining that the Hindu evangelists
have been sneaking onto their farms and informing
cows that hamburger is not made from ham. "That
has to be illegal," said a Beef Council spokesman.
"I heard some of those Hindus in my back pasture
last week," one farmer told reporters.
"They were chanting that being a Christian
cow means being a Big Mac in a year or so,"
the farmer recalled. "I should have pointed
out that there's no real beef in a Big Mac, but
the cows were all nodding to each other and going
'Moooooooo,' so I just high-tailed it out of there
before anything really weird happened."
"I don't know what to do anymore," another
farmer sighed. "These Hindus, they come
to my farm and they chant and they give my wife
flowers. They're so nice about everything
it's kind of hard to shoot at them like I do with
the PETA protesters."
"We tell
'dem cows 'dat, if 'dey are Chreestians, 'dey will
end up as beef jerky in my Quickie Mart," Hindu
evangelist Rajneesh Pradesh admitted. "But
we tell 'dem, if 'dey are Hindus," he continued,
"we will wash 'dem and pet 'dem and worship
'dem 'til 'dey are old."
Whether a cow can avoid turning up on the dinner table by converting to Hinduism has yet to be decided by the U.S. Supreme Court, although at least one test case arising under the Religious Freedom Restoration Act is expected to reach the Court in the next few months.
Reached at a local Washington restaurant enjoying
his usual steak lunch, Justice Antonin Scalia said
he would not recuse himself from the case despite
reports that Dick Cheney recently gave him a lifetime
supply of gift certificates to Fuddruckers.
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