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INTERCEPTED ‘BINGO NIGHT’ CHATTER LEADS TO AIRPORT SHUTDOWN
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MIAMI – The President ordered U.S. airports closed late yesterday after intelligence agents intercepted highly suspicious “chatter” emanating from a rest home in Florida indicating that a terrorist attack could be imminent.
“The information was detailed, and it was credible,” Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge told reporters, lauding the Administration’s rapid response to the threat.
“Usually, we just change the terror-alert color code so it looks like we know what’s going on, but this time we took real action,” he beamed.
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Surveillance Photo of Potential
Terrorist “Sleeper Agents”
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“We were tipped off at precisely 1600 hours,” Ridge explained. “We heard an older male voice shouting that everyone should ‘Get Ready! It’s Bingo Night!’ Then the guy started speaking in code.”
“Each code phrase had a letter and a number, like B-17, F-12 or I-47,” a U.S. intelligence official revealed on condition of anonymity. “The guy spoke slowly at first, but then some other crotchety-sounding guy yelled ‘hurry up dammit, I don’t have long to live.’ After that, all hell broke loose. We could hardly keep up.”
“We could hear their terrorist fervor building and building until someone suddenly screamed ‘BINGO!’” the intelligence official recalled. “That’s when we knew some serious sh*# was about to go down.”
“I wish I could take credit for breaking the code,” the official paused, “but Mr. Ridge himself was the first one to figure out that the code referred to airline flights.”
“We believe ‘Bedtime’ was the terrorist leaders’ code word to give final approval to carry out the plot,” Ridge concluded. “We started hearing that word a lot at around 1900 hours, often in connection with exclamations that ‘It’s about time,’ so we just shut down all the airports at that point.”
Special forces lead a pre-dawn raid on the rest home, but were surprised to find the residents already awake. “Damn, they fought hard,” the Delta Force commander shook his head. “You wouldn’t believe how much of a beating it takes to subdue the wheelchair-bound.”
Military officials have so far refused to confirm reports that the captured rest home residents are being held at Guantanamo Bay, or that the prisoners are being denied the use of their dentures until they talk.
Meanwhile, federal agents also raided the home of two elementary school students after National Security Agency operatives listened in on the students using similar code letters and numbers intermingled with ominous exclamations that “You sunk my Battleship!”
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