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DR.
KEVORKIAN'S SOCIAL SECURITY SOLUTION:
CUT SENIORS, NOT BENEFITS
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DETROIT, MI – In a surprise announcement, Dr. Jack Kevorkian joined in the growing criticism of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan’s idea to reduce the federal deficit by slashing social security benefits.
"I'm all in favor of reduction," Kervorkian
smiled in that creepy "this is the last face
my patients ever see" kind of way. "But
Greenspan has it backwards. We shouldn't cut
seniors' benefits. We should cut seniors."
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Dr.
Kevorkian's "fiscal responsibility"
device
could save Social Security
and
eliminate the deficit
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Economists privately agreed that Dr. Death's idea
would be a rousing fiscal success. "Even
a twenty percent cut in senior citizens would balance
the budget in something like three weeks,"
exclaimed one economist who wished to remain anonymous.
"I don't know what we'd do with all those used
Cadillacs, though," he added.
While most Democrats immediately denounced Kervorkian's
proposal, Democratic challenger John Edwards said
he needed more information before he could give
a final opinion on the issue of cutting seniors.
"How old is Kerry now, anyway?" Edwards
asked.
Political leaders with both major political parties
have admitted that, at the very least, Kervorkian's
plan has been helpful in framing the debate on Social
Security reform.
As one White House official explained: "Before
Dr. Kervorkian's proposal, seniors saw this as a
simple debate between cutting their benefits or
and running up more debt for future generations."
"But now," the official continued, "seniors
realize the debate is between 'cutting their benefits
now' or 'death now.' Makes them take the national
debt much more seriously, don't you think?"
Sources say the Bush Administration will pressure
seniors to accept benefit reductions by rolling
out a pilot program this fall to cut seniors in
Florida's Broward and Palm Beach counties.
Denying that those counties were selected due to
their large numbers of elderly who traditionally
vote Democratic, one White House official remarked
that "Democrats aren't going to miss a bunch
of seniors who can’t even punch a chad correctly."
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