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MONKEYS CHALLENGE HUMAN VIEWS ON EVOLUTION, RELIGION
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SAN DIEGO, CA – With recent polls showing belief in evolution on the decline among humans despite overwhelming scientific evidence in favor of the theory, some monkeys say they too are beginning to have doubts about evolution – or at least about whether humans could have evolved from monkeys.
“We don’t doubt the theory of evolution per se, though we of course believe the theory is subject to further refinement as more fossil and genetic evidence is uncovered,” said Mittens, a San Diego Zoo chimpanzee still bitter about being named Mittens. “It’s just that, since humans seem so clueless sometimes, we have to question whether humans could have evolved from us.”
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Mittens discusses evolution with reporters
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“We think humans may have evolved more along the line of scallops.”
These and similar comments from other monkeys have driven a deep wedge between humans and monkeys across the globe, with fundamentalist humans in particular taking offense at the statements implying that belief in evolution is indicative of higher intelligence.
“Who’s in the cage, bitch?” one fundamentalist yelled at Mittens.
“See what I mean?” said Mittens.
Theologian monkeys at the Duke University Primate Center have taken different tact than their fundamentalist human counterparts, weaving evolution theory into a monkey-centric religious view instead of denying evolution altogether. “Humans, particularly white people, seem to think they were created in God’s image,” explained Rev. Socks, a dark colobus monkey known for his ability to kick his scat into neighboring cages. “With this rationale they sometimes justify doing all sorts of nasty stuff to other people, and to monkeys too, of course.”
“But let’s just say that those folks better hope the Book of Monkey Revelations doesn’t prove true. Otherwise, that won’t be a good time for all those nearly-hairless humans.”
Hearing of Rev. Sock’s comments, a throng of fundamentalist humans stormed the Duke Primate Center. Torch-carrying mob leaders surrounded Rev. Socks’ cage, demanding to know whom he believed was created in God’s image. “Why that would be monkeys, of course,” a courageous Rev. Socks replied while furiously kicking dung at his inquisitors. “We gave birth to your species. We were here first.”
Rev. Socks further explained that, when on earth, Jesus was either “a big, divine, human-looking monkey, or a divine monkey in a man suit,” and that the Holy Ghost is really “the Holy Ghost Monkey.”
Rev. Socks was then tortured and burned at the stake in the old inquisitional style.
“See what I mean?” said Mittens upon hearing of the tragedy.
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