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MYSTERIOUS BLOB MAY ACTUALLY BE 'THE BLOB'
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CONCEPCION, CHILE – A researcher examining the mysterious blob that washed ashore last month along the Chilean coast has revealed a startling development. “I didn’t think much of it at first,” the researcher, Dr. Jason Seawater, told National Geographic, “But I now realize I am the only researcher who has not disappeared.”
“I can’t say for sure what happened to all the other scientists,” Dr. Seawater explained, casually punching his fist into the blob to test its consistency, “but I do find it curious all the fat guys disappeared first.”
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Shortly before disappearing, researchers lay
wire to test the blob’s reaction to
severe electric shock
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“If the blob is in fact capable of eating scientists,” Dr. Seawater continued while probing what appeared to be the blob’s rectum with a gardening hoe, “I may have to reconsider my initial theory that the blob is just a harmless whale skin or chunk of giant octopus remains.”
“‘He might have to reconsider his theory,’ he says? What the hell kind of white-guy speak is that?” Chris Rock asked during a recent performance to raise money for the sciences.
“Just imagine if a brother researcher was down there in Chile,” Rock continued. “He’d be like ‘where’s Whitey anyway?’ Last I saw him he was in with the blob. ‘Oh, so Whitey’s gone? The blob ate Whitey. Damn, it’s like the movie. I’m going home.’”
“I don’t think Chris Rock is qualified to comment on my scientific theories,” Dr. Seawater noted, poking the blob with a sharp, flaming stick to test its heat sensitivity.
“Mmmmmppphhhh . . . . Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh,” Dr. Seawater added.
Attempts to reach Dr. Seawater for further comment have been unsuccessful. The Blob was last seen at press time eating a tour bus near the outskirts of Santiago.
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