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NEA CLAIMS GRAMMAR IN RAP MUSIC 'NOT GOOD'
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NEW ORLEANS, LA – At the National Education Association’s (NEA) annual meeting, President Reg Weaver put the rap industry squarely in the NEA’s crosshairs.
“It’s unconscionable what these artists are saying,” Weaver blasted. “There was a time when music stars took their responsibility to our young children seriously. Nouns and verbs agreed, gerunds and adverbs were sprinkled liberally through ballads, and you’d never, ever, hear a split infinitive. Now, for crying out loud, the leading artist in the country calls himself ‘50 Cent.’ It’s supposed to be 50 ‘Cents’. Once you have more than 1 cent, it’s plural. If I ever caught him using language like that in my classroom, I would have paddled him silly.”
“Now I don’t want the media to misconstrue my statements,” Weaver cautioned. “I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a little gang bangin’ or slappin’ your bitch around from time to time. I simply want the future leaders of our country to speak proper English and add the letter ‘g’ when discussing these endeavors.”
“Just the other day I heard an 8th grade honor student tell his girlfriend as he went to pick up NEA-sponsored condoms, ‘I love you like a fat kid love cake’. This has to stop! How can kids grow up to run companies if they can’t properly use verbs?”
“It’s time for the NEA to act,” he urged members. “This organization has always stood for change – unless, of course, it involves the sharing of public money – so starting today, each individual chapter will be responsible for telling rap musicians in their area to use proper English in their songs.”
Not all delegates were pleased with Weaver’s directive. “Oh yeah, sure, let the local chapters handle the issue,” protested Ned Evans, busy signing a stack of petitions against private school vouchers. “Everyone knows rappers live in Los Angeles. Since I’m an Orange County representative, all of a sudden it’s my problem. Okay, sure, so the Dallas group agreed to pitch in by confronting Vanilla Ice, but let’s get real.”
“Weaver’s not even being reasonable about this,” argued Bettie Knowles taking a break from creating “Tenure after One Year” placards for the afternoon session. “I work hard ten months a year for my year-round salary. I’m not about to sacrifice my summer for his crusade.”
“No way I’m protesting ‘Suge’ Knight,” Ned added while handing out ‘Kiss me, I’m a teacher’ buttons for the evening’s festivities on Bourbon Street. “I didn’t agree to be disrespected and underpaid for the rest of my life for that.”
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