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RED WOLF UNHAPPY WITH REINTRODUCTION TO WILD
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LAKE JUNALUSKA, NC – Surprising everyone in attendance, a female red wolf recently reintroduced to the wild near the Great Smoky Mountains National Park interrupted a Sierra
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A happy, captive red wolf
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Club press conference earlier today, telling reporters she was “extremely pissed” about her release from captivity.
“How would you like it?” the she-wolf asked the gathered environmentalists lauding the reintroduction program. “What if I snatched your fat ass out of line at Golden Corral and threw you out in the woods? Do you think Steak-Out delivers to the woods?”
“And what the hell is this ‘reintroduction program?’” the wolf scolded. “I wasn’t raised by wolves, you know. I’ve never lived in the wild. I was raised in a big freaking cage with room service. If you want to reintroduce me to something, reintroduce me to my cage. And to those three hot squares a day.”
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Former habitat of the Red Wolf species
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“The food out here is gamey as hell,” she continued, at once beginning to froth at the mouth, “and its not like food in the woods just lays there and waits for me to get hungry. I have to chase every freaking thing I want to eat now.”
“How would you like that?” she ranted, “what if you had to chase your ham sandwich around the grocery store? You think sales would go up?”
“Most of you couldn’t catch a bon bon if it tried to escape,” she added, now closely eyeing a rotund man standing near the grill.
The wolf found several supporters among those who heard the wolf’s
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Former habitat of this Red Wolf
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tirade. “We are sincerely sorry you have to endure this difficult adjustment period,” sympathized one member who looked as if she hadn’t showered since Carter was President. “Tell it sister!” another member loudly exclaimed, ignoring the wolf’s effort to toss the fat man on the grill.
But other group members disagreed. “Who the hell does that wolf think she is?” asked one man, a retired logger who infiltrated the group. “What an ungrateful bitch.”
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