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SADDAM
HUSSEIN TO APPEAR ON ABC'S EXTREME MAKEOVER
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NEW
YORK – ABC Network officials announced today
that ABC would begin production of a "very
special" episode of Extreme Makeover starring
ex-Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
"I understand that megalomania can take its
toll on a man's face," explained ABC program
executive Kip Presslar. "But there's
just no excuse for Saddam's condition, even if he
has been living in fear and hiding in rat-infested
mudholes for the last nine months. Being a
fugitive doesn't give you an excuse to neglect personal
grooming."
"We're going to have to use a lot of botox
on Saddam," he added.
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"And use
a lot of botox we will," chuckled CIA operative
George Plame, "probably just shy of a lethal
dose in fact, if he doesn't talk sooner when we
'clean his cuticles' that is."
"I'm not sure ABC can pull it off," said
Carson Kressley, star of NBC's Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy. "Sure, plastic surgeons
can do something about the haggard brow and the
ragged beard, but fixing that 'Manson' psycho look
could be impossible. Besides, Saddam has just
horrible callouses from torturing the Iraqi people
all those years. I don't even think a French
manicurist could ignore those."
"Saddam should have gotten help much sooner,"
suggested plastic-surgery expert Joan Rivers.
"He was found with $750,000. Are you
telling me he couldn't have splurged on a new outfit,
a facelift and a manicure somewhere between killing
and hiding, hiding and killing? Was his schedule
really that full?"
"Crimes against humanity are one thing,"
Rivers added, "but crimes against fashion are
unforgivable."
While struggling not to appear as vapid as Rivers,
Kressley agreed Saddam should have taken better
care of his appearance. "Looking like
Obi Wan Kenobe after a hard night of drinking,"
he said while snapping his fingers from side to
side, "uh uh, sister, that's no way for one
of the world's most wanted criminals to be caught."
Other, more serious, newsmen were less kind in their
criticism of ABC's decision to give Saddam an extreme
makeover. "This is a horrible idea,"
exclaimed NBC anchor Tom Brokaw. "What
happens if they alter his appearance and he escapes?
If Saddam got loose in New York looking like
some sort of drag queen, it could take years to
find him again."
"Jealously, mere jealousy," Presslar responded
when told of the sniping from rival networks. "They're
just afraid we'll score big in the ratings by making
Saddam the next Bachelor if he escapes."
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