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THEFT OF MORE THAN $100 MILLION NO LONGER A CRIME
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WASHINGTON, DC – Facing pressure from industry groups concerned the indictment of so many American CEOs is hindering the nation’s economic growth, Republicans in Congress today passed the Job Creation and Resource Protection Act, which legalizes the theft of amounts greater than $100 million.
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Rep. Delay touts his plan to solve corporate fraud by making it legal
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“This is important legislation in these difficult economic times” said House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-Texas), “This legislation will create jobs and boost our capital markets.”
Asked how allowing theft and fraud at astronomical levels to go unpunished would create jobs and boost markets, Delay said “the effect of accounting and fraud scandals on stock prices will be reduced once it is shown that a CEO stole enough for it not to be a crime.”
“This shows the CEO is taking initiative and following the law,” Delay continued, “Which is what investors want, right? But, really, this is a jobs bill. Do you know it takes a crew of at least 12 to run a decent-sized yacht? Those jobs would be lost if we didn’t free CEOs from all that bureaucratic red tape. What about the workers? Really, I ask you.”
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Steal enough of these and you’re home free
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Attorney General John Ashcroft’s office hailed the new law saying it would free up overworked personnel to harass more Americans who look middle-eastern. The SEC also lauded the bill’s effect on its stretched resources. “When we investigate astoundingly large fraud cases in huge, multinational corporations, it only hurts people” a spokesperson said, “We really need to be cracking down on small business owners and family members who get stock tips.”
Not everyone supports the new law, however. Worried that retirees will lose their life savings, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) vehemently opposed the new law, even ridiculing its misleading title. “What the hell is that about?” asked a grumpy old AARP spokesperson, “And what resources are protected by this Act anyway?”
“Corrupt CEOs are national resources,” Delay explained when told of the AARP’s concerns. “My concern is that the $100 million limit is way too high,” Delay elaborated while flipping through a speedboat catalogue. “The law needs to protect executives if they steal $1 million, or even only a few hundred grand. And if additional stimulus is needed, we should have a tax cut for stolen revenues. That would be a real pick me up.”
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