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TOUCHDOWN JESUS THREATENS TO RETURN IF LOSING CONTINUES
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SOUTH BEND, IN – Fresh off a 37-0 pasting by Florida State that sent the Fighting Irish tumbling to 2-6, South Bend residents awoke Sunday to a miraculous and chilling message emanating from the “Touchdown Jesus” at Notre Dame’s football stadium.
“Things better change around here fast,” Touchdown Jesus proclaimed, shocking stunned worshipers by also appearing in the form of the “Holy Touchdown Spirit” during services at the Linebacker of the Sacred Heart cathedral on the South Bend campus.
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Notre Dame in happier times
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“My forgiving, New Testament attitude doesn’t seem to be working on you people,” He exclaimed in an exasperated tone. “First you test my patience with Gerry Faust and Bob Davie. Now you’ve hired a coach who speaks in tongues even I can’t understand. Does anyone around here know what Coach Willingham is saying?”
“I’ve tolerated too many missed blocks, blown coverages and dropped passes. From here on out its make the play, or be struck down where you stand. Lose any more games and you can say hello to the Four Horsemen. And I’m not talking about Knute Rockne’s team, if you get my drift.”
“So, how’s that for a motivational speech?” He asked.
Questioned as to why He didn’t just intercede and guarantee victory for Notre Dame, Touchdown Jesus did not mince words. “In case you didn’t notice,’ He explained, “I’ve got quite a bit going on right now. Besides, Father gets upset when I focus on athletics instead of helping the sick and less fortunate. He gets really ticked off wading through all the sports prayers just to get to ones from people with real needs. And let me assure you, when He gets cranky, no one wins.”
“By the way, I can’t believe Jerry Jones hasn’t been smote yet,” He added.
“I must admit to some sense of shock,” Cardinal Dimitri Waleski exclaimed, when reached between urgent meetings at the Vatican. “For two thousand years, we have read Revelations and wondered of the End Times. Revelations doesn’t even mention football. Now we learn that everything rises or falls on Notre Dame’s win-loss record. We are so screwed.”
On ESPN’s weekly College Football show, analyst Kirk Herbstreit tried to calm anxious viewers and fans. “There’s no way Notre Dame loses at home to Navy this weekend,” he opined. “In fact, looking at the remaining schedule, Notre Dame could well win out and, at least for now, avert the coming apocalypse.”
“Not so fast my friend,” interjected fellow analyst and soothsayer Lee Corso, warning residents and fans to make plans to flee toward higher ground. “Navy will upset Notre Dame,” Corso explained. “And you know what means. A real Old Testament-style flood is on the way.”
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