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TRAFFIC COURT JUDGE FINDS COULTER INCOMPETENT TO STAND TRIAL
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WASHINGTON
– Local traffic court Judge James Carter (no
relation to the former President) said he was surprised
when uptight author and commentator Ann Coulter
appeared in his courtroom yesterday to contest a
speeding ticket she received on the Washington Beltway.
He said his surprise quickly turned to annoyance,
however, when Coulter opened her defense by calling
Judge Carter a "left-wing wacko tool."
To his
credit, Judge Carter did not snap back at Coulter's
initial outburst. But after listening to Coulter's
increasingly insane rants for more than three hours,
Judge Carter reached his breaking point and declared
Coulter incompetent to stand trial.
"I
wanted to declare her 'flat sh*t-house crazy,'"
the Judge told reporters after the hearing, "but
my law clerk told me there's no such legal classification."
Describing
her behavior as "bizarre" from the outset,
observers said Coulter at one point attempted to
introduce her latest book "Treason" as
evidence that she was an expert on radar and that
radar in the Washington area has been corrupted
by "liberal moral relativism."
Observers
said the final straw for Coulter was the appearance
of noted author Al Franken as a character witness
for the prosecution. While Franken perhaps could
have been more subtle than he was in calling Coulter
a "lying liar who tells lies, lots and lots
of lies," Coulter’s counterargument
that both Franken and Judge Carter were "f@#%ing
traitors" did little to help her cause according
to legal experts.
In a
statement issued shortly after the hearing, the
Federalist Society, a national organization supporting
the rights of insane conservatives, vowed to file
an appeal on Coulter’s behalf. "We will
certainly appeal the Judge’s ruling that
Ms. Coulter undergo immediate electro-shock therapy,"
explained one of the dozen or so white male Federalist
Society spokesmen at the press conference. "We
feel like that could set a very dangerous precedent
for our membership."
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