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TRIAL
LAWYERS PLAN MASS 'SLIP AND FALL' TO PROTEST TORT
REFORM
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WASHINGTON
– With tort reform efforts still percolating
in both houses of Congress, the Association of Trial
Lawyers of America (ATLA) says it will hold a mass
"slip and fall" next month on the steps
of the U.S. Capitol to protest tort reform legislation.
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Site
of the planned "slip and fall"
protest
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The protest is expected to draw thousands of profoundly stupid people from around the globe, each eager to cash in on their alleged injuries. According to reports, ATLA has hired a number of ex-NFL kickers to teach the protesters how to fall at the slightest provocation and fake severe and permanent injuries.
Despite
such precautions, ATLA organizers expect that a
few protesters will suffer actual injuries, though
that number is expected to be far fewer than the
number of injuries trial lawyers will allege in
the huge class-action lawsuit filed after the protest.
"We will not let America turn its back on working
people," ATLA leader John Lore pronounced while
listening to his police scanner. "Of
course, as far as you know, the people who slip
and fall during this protest will never be able
to work again. In fact they may never have worked.
But whose fault is that? Stumped?"
"Well let me tell you," he continued while
passing out gift certificates for piping-hot McDonald's
coffee. "It's certainly not their fault,
I know that much."
"So let me get this straight," said U.S.
Chamber of Commerce spokesman Charles Warbucks when
told of the plan. "The trial lawyers
are going to have a bunch of people fall on purpose,
then they're going to file a massive lawsuit.
Can that be true? Actually, that does sound
a lot like the trial lawyers."
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An ambulance
at rest is no help to ATLA
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"To ensure
that no discrimination occurs," Lore continued,
after being briefly distracted by a passing ambulance,
"protesters should be entitled to compensation
regardless of whether or not they suffer real injuries.
I would also like to reassure people who
are unable to participate in the protest that they
too should be entitled to compensation for emotional
distress."
The Neck Brace and Crutch Manufacturers Association,
one the few businesses groups that likes trial lawyers,
is said to be gearing up to assist with the protest.
Meanwhile, Heinz, Inc., has sent extra ketchup packets
to restaurants in the Washington area expecting
that trial lawyers will want to make sure there
is plenty of "blood" in the pictures.
Thousands of chiropractors will also be standing by in case of emergency.
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